USDA Recommends 3 to 5 Servings of Fried Stuff

VIRGINIA—The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) this week inexplicably changed the My Pyramid, more commonly known as the food guide pyramid, for the worse better.

The long-standing food pyramid, which promotes diversity in foodstuffs, has exchanged 3 to 5 servings of vegetables with 3 to 5 servings of fried stuff.

When asked about the unorthodox change a spokesperson from the USDA said,

The vegetable category on the food pyramid was the least used. We feel that Americans are more likely to eat fried stuff than green stuff so we decided to make the change.

He continued,

People can still eat vegetables – they just need to be fried in some sort of batter or lard now.

This change comes as many American cities have gained weight and have had marked increases in diabetes, blood pressure and cholesterol. Men’s Health magazine recently released their 2009 survey of the Fattest Cities in America. Number two on their list was Oklahoma City, OK with only 17 percent of the population eating the recommended servings of fruits and vegetables.

We asked Alan Stanwyck from Oklahoma City about the changes.

I would much rather eat fried foods than vegetables. My kids used to roll their eyes and talk back whenever my wife tried to get them to eat their veggies. Now we can’t seem to make deep-fried onion rings fast enough!

According to the USDA, 3 to 5 servings of fried stuff should consist of foods like french fries, fried chicken, chicken fried steak, bacon and deep-fried vegetables “only if necessary”.

When asked if the USDA planned any further changes to the food pyramid the spokesperson noted,

Fruits are barely hanging in there. If it weren’t for chocolate-covered strawberries fruits may have been the first to go.

The USDA also changed the “old” pyramid (below) as many Americans seem to remember it better.